Emotional Burnout and Boundaries in Friendships

Lola Cons

Friendships can be so enriching and fun... but also, wow, they can get complicated. You know that feeling when a new friendship just takes off? There’s this whirlwind excitement, you’re vibing, it’s all laughs and great chats. That’s exactly how this one friendship started for me. At first, it felt so natural, so easy, you know?

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But then... slowly, things started getting out of balance. I didn’t really see it at first. She’d drop by unannounced, offer to do things for me... which, at the time, felt like kindness, until it started feeling like... I’d lost control. There were days I’d catch myself worrying about her mood or feeling pressured to say yes to things I really didn’t want to do. It’s like... I couldn’t say no. Or more accurately, I didn’t feel like I was allowed to.

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And honestly, it wasn’t even about her asking for things directly. My brain just went into this overdrive of guilt, like—if I didn’t say yes, I was tearing her happiness apart or... I was somehow failing as a friend. I mean, isn’t that what we’re kinda taught as women, right? That being a good friend means being there, no matter what. But, let me tell you, living with that mental load is exhausting. It’s like carrying a full backpack through life that no one else can see.

Lola Cons

I started noticing I wasn’t just tired, like physically tired—I was mentally and emotionally wrung out. Anxiety kicked in big time. I was overthinking every conversation and interaction, especially with her. Like, I literally couldn’t sleep the night before a catch-up because I’d be worried—what mood will she be in? Would I have to play therapist again? It was draining. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was dealing with what experts call emotional burnout in friendships.

Lola Cons

What helped me connect the dots was something I read in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. It talked about the emotional labor that can come with female friendships. How, like, one friend can unintentionally become the emotional caregiver, and that creates this dynamic where the relationship doesn’t feel mutual anymore. It’s a lot, right? And that word—guilt—stood out to me. That’s exactly what I had been feeling, if I’m honest. This overwhelming, constant guilt that wasn’t even about anything that’d actually happened. It was just... there, suffocating me.

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And the thing is, when you can’t balance your empathy with some good ol’ self-care? It’s like a recipe for depletion. I’d let this relationship, this responsibility I thought I had, absolutely eat away at me—bit by bit. And maybe for some of you listening, it’s the same in your own friendships. That quiet pressure to hold the space, even when you feel like collapsing yourself.

Lola Cons

You know, everything really shifted the day my partner said something. He told me, 'I’m worried about you. You’re not yourself anymore, and we barely spend any time together.' And that hit me like a tonne of bricks. Until then, I didn’t connect the dots—how much this friendship was taking from me. I just thought, oh, I’m tired, it’s work, it’s life. But when he said that, I had to stop and question it all.

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From there, I began piecing together this, like... emotional chaos I was in. My therapist later called it empathic distress. It’s when your empathy runs wild and then—you’re carrying someone else’s feelings, someone else’s life like they’re your own. I had no idea this was even a thing. But wow, it explained so much. Every moment I said yes when I wanted to say no, every sleepless night overthinking—turns out, it was all connected.

Lola Cons

And, you know, therapy didn’t just help me understand it. It gave me tools to change it. One thing that really helped? Journaling. Simple, right? But having these prompts, like, 'How do I feel after spending time with this person?' or 'What happens in my body when I say yes, but want to say no?'—it was kind of mind-blowing. I didn’t realise how much I’d bottled up until I started putting it into words.

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Then there was this thing called boundary scripting. It’s not as robotic as it sounds, trust me! It was about practicing phrases—clear, kind phrases that protected me without, like, making me feel like a total jerk. Saying something like, 'Thank you for the invite, but I need a quiet weekend,' instead of panicking and over-explaining every no... honestly, it gave me so much relief.

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Here’s how I like to think of boundaries now—it’s kind of like hiking, right? When you’re on a trail, you’ve gotta stay on the marked paths. It’s not there to limit your experience but to keep you safe, keep you from getting lost. Setting boundaries in relationships is kinda the same. It’s not about shutting people out, but about keeping yourself on solid ground, where you can actually enjoy the hike without tumbling into the bushes, if you get what I mean.

Lola Cons

Learning this stuff changed everything for me. It gave me space to start saying no, guilt-free. Well, almost guilt-free—it’s a work in progress, okay? But I’ll say this—I stopped letting that friendship dominate my energy and started creating room for myself again.

Lola Cons

Once I actually started saying no and setting those boundaries, something incredible happened—I felt lighter. Like, I didn’t even realise how heavy that friendship had gotten until I put it down. And, you know, it wasn’t just about saying no to her. It was about saying yes to myself again. Taking that energy back felt like breathing fresh air after being stuck inside all day. I reconnected with old friends who made me laugh until my stomach hurt. I started building new friendships that felt easy, supportive, mutual... like joy instead of a job.

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What’s amazing is that there’s actual research to back this up. There’s this long-running Harvard study on adult development—it’s wild; it’s been going on for decades—they found that positive, meaningful relationships are one of the biggest contributors to happiness and even a longer life. And I think that’s so cool to think about, like... it’s not about having a ton of friends, you know? It’s about having friends who genuinely make you feel seen, supported, and, like, safe to just be you.

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If you’re listening to this and thinking, 'Okay, Lola, that’s nice, but how do I even start?’—here’s what worked for me. First, start with reflection. And this doesn’t have to be some big, dramatic thing. It could just be writing one sentence at the end of the day. Like, 'How did that conversation make me feel?' Or, 'What am I saying yes to right now that I secretly want to say no to?' Honestly, just getting your thoughts out of your brain and onto paper can be so freeing.

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The next thing? Practice the no. Maybe, like me, you’ve got this thing where you’ve been saying yes for so long that even the idea of saying no feels terrifying. But it doesn’t have to be this big production—it can be simple. Try something like, 'Thanks so much for asking, but I really need some me time’ or 'Can I let you know tomorrow after I check my plans?' It’s about finding a way to protect your peace without feeling like the bad guy. And let me tell you, when you get that first guilt-free no out, it feels amazing.

Lola Cons

Here’s the thing though—this isn’t about cutting people off or drawing giant walls between you and your friends. It’s about making sure the people you’re pouring into are pouring back into you. Real friendships? They energize you. They fill your cup, not drain it. It’s like Dr. Kristen Neff says: empathy without boundaries isn’t kindness—it’s self-sacrifice. And that’s not sustainable.

Lola Cons

These days? My friendships feel so different. They’re full of laughter, silly inside jokes, those late-night story sessions where you feel, like, so connected to someone. And, I mean, those friendships—they’re priceless, you know? Life just feels... lighter now. And that’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it? Choosing people who remind you who you are—not people who make you forget.

Lola Cons

So to wrap this up, I just want to say—thank you. Thank you for letting me share my story because, honestly, this journey wasn’t easy for me, but it taught me so much. Friendships are powerful, and they should feel good, not like a weight you’re carrying. And the best part? You are absolutely allowed to choose the relationships that make you better, brighter, and more you. That’s not selfish—it’s self-love.

Lola Cons

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for today. Go walk your dog, sip your rosé, and say big loving yeses to what lights you up—and those firm, guilt-free nos to whatever dims your shine. You’ve got this. Until next time—take care of yourself and those friendships worth keeping.